How to lose some mass

Coffee helps you to reduce weight in the following ways:

1) It makes you shit. Reduces your weight by getting rid of all the unwanted stuff in your body.
2) It kills your appetite. Perhaps due to the bitterness of coffee, it kills off any desire you have for food.

Interesting huh.

Running for one and a half hours will also let you lose around 1.2kg.

Starving for 24 hours will also lose 1kg.

I lost around 2kg since last night.

Crazy.

What I don't understand is how I gained 2kg from eating only 2 meals yesterday and hence the need for me to go on a starving day and exercise to lose some mass. Maybe my metabolism rate is slowing down. My god.